Tea Party of the Villainous
by Emertheawesome
Summary: Kagome's first impression of Nirvana was that it completely sucked.Mini-crack-drabble-series.
1. Enter Death

**A/N: **This will probably only be like 5- 10 drabbles, all of which will be complete crack. Sorry, the idea just bashed me in the head and I couldn't resist. It will either be SessxKagxNaraku, or just SessxKag (review with your opinion?). I really can't decide. By the way, this may come as a surprise, but I DO NOT own Inuyasha. Go figure.

**Tea Party of the Villainous**

When Kagome died it wasn't actually that painful.

Actually, it was extremely painful. The Shikon Miko--after fighting youkai, defending her friends, and defeating one of the most notorious baddies ever--died by gravity. Well, sort of. Kagome was innocently crossing the street when the car (a fucking Toyota, dammit) hit her going about 40 miles per hour. This quite possibly could have been survivable if she hadn't gone flying and crashed into a stop sign.

It was an extremely undignified death.

Of course, once her brain, lungs, and heart shut down, Kagome was feeling quite nice. After she had bled out and the sounds of sirens faded her death was pretty much peaceful. Of course, Kagome should not have been surprised that death would be hugely shocking. After all, hadn't her life been one big, nasty surprise after another? Why should Death be any different?

So a few minutes later (app. three min and 23 seconds) Kagome was plopped down in a grungy office where a gruff looking creature (which faintly resembled a warthog with some human and snake mixed in) scribbled in a yellow ledger.

"Um," Kagome had stuttered. "Where am I?"

The creature looked at her with a flat stare. "You're dead," he stated tightly. "Now wait your turn while we find a place for you to live."

At this point Kagome was completely confounded. "Uh...live? Shouldn't I be...I don't know... reincarnated or something?"

The creature snorted and set his pencil down. "You sure are dumb for a miko. You've reached Nirvana, missy. Now sit down before I kick you out."

Kagome stumbled to one of the plastic, stained chairs and stared blankly at the peeling wall. Her first impression of Nirvana was that it completely sucked. Things began looking up when they stationed her at a quaint little cottage surrounded by a field of daisies and other assortments of wildflowers. They had even given her a little telly that she could watch real life out of. She saw Sango and Miroku's children running playfully around the village; she saw Souta graduating from high school; and she saw Inuyasha accepted into society with Kikyo as his wife. She missed them--being dead left her a little lonely--but she was content knowing how happy they were.


	2. Enter Midoriko

**A/N: **This will probably only be like 5- 10 drabbles, all of which will be complete crack. Sorry, the idea just bashed me in the head and I couldn't resist. It will either be SessxKagxNaraku, or just SessxKag (review with your opinion?). I really can't decide. By the way, this may come as a surprise, but I DO NOT own Inuyasha. Go figure.

**Tea Party of the Villainous**

A few weeks (or perhaps days? Time was a little blurred in Death) later Kagome met Midoriko. They were both shopping in a little tea store when they bumped into each other. It was actually Midoriko who recognized her first.

"Kagome? Is that you, dear?"

Kagome studied the woman before her suspiciously. She had a worn but genial face so Kagome relaxed, though she still didn't recognize her. The woman's hair was swept back in long braid that could quite possibly be lethal if she ever decided to hit someone with it.

"Um," Kagome murmured. "Do I know you?"

The woman chuckled and it sounded like chiming glass, so light and crystal and _beautiful_. "I should certainly hope so," she said with a quirk to her lips, "After all, you carried my heart around in your body most of your life."

Kagome gaped for about five-point-three seconds before she could speak. _"Midoriko?"_

The woman nodded her head. "The one and only, my dear. Now how did you come to be in Nirvana?"

"Well, I guess I did enough good--"

"No, no," interrupted the woman as she grabbed a can of orange pekoe tea off the shelf next to her. "I mean why are you _dead_?"

"Oh," replied Kagome. "I got hit by a car."

Midoriko paused to look at Kagome askance. "You got hit by a car?"

"Yup."

"How... undignified."

"I know."

"You poor thing. Would you like to talk about it over some cookies and coffee?"

Kagome grinned. Who knew her first friend in death would be Midoriko?

"I would love to."


	3. Enter Toga

**A/N: **This will probably only be like 5- 10 drabbles, all of which will be complete crack. Sorry, the idea just bashed me in the head and I couldn't resist. Okay, it's going to be SessxKag, though I will totally have Naraku in it. By the way, this may come as a surprise, but I DO NOT own Inuyasha. Go figure.

**Tea Party of the Villainous**

Kagome was gardening when the silver haired man strolled by her cottage, heals tapping subtly against the cobblestone sidewalk. Kagome's heart jumped when she caught sight of the familiar features, but then dropped when she didn't recognize him. Then jumped _again _when she realized she _did _recognize him.

"Toga?"

The man who had been nearly out of sight stopped, whirled around, and strode right up to Kagome's white picket gate (which matched her little white picket fence.) He paused and scrutinized her thoughtfully as Kagome blushed a bright, tomato red.

After seemingly coming to a decision he spoke. "No, I am positive I don't know you."

"I'm sorry," though what she was apologizing for she didn't know. "I don't really know you either... I just know _of _you."

"Hm, interesting," the Dog of all dogs replied. "And how does a mere human know of me? Did I accidentally step on your village?"

Kagome stared at him aghast before shaking her head. "Um, no. I just knew your sons."

Immediately Toga's eyes lit up, the cool gold becoming a warm umber which softened his features immensely. Kagome blushed again, but this time for a completely different reason. She could see where Inuyasha and Sesshomaru got their dashing looks.

"You knew my sons? How amazing. Can you tell me about them?"

"Uh, well, yes," stuttered Kagome. "Would you like to come in for tea?"

"Yes, please."

Kagome led him into her little cottage and sat him at her table as she went about preparing traditional green tea. Toga hummed to himself patiently as Kagome remained shell shocked that the _Inu no Taisho was sitting at her table. _

"So," Kagome started awkwardly. "You reached Nirvana?"

"Yes," replied Toga. "Apparently saving my mortal lover saved my soul as well."

"Oh. Is she here?"

"No, I believe she was reincarnated as a tree."

"I'm sorry."

"Please, don't be." Then he continued flirtatiously. "After all, there are many beautiful woman in Nirvana...."

Kagome nearly spilled the tea and stared at him askance before collecting herself and serving him a steaming mug. She sat across from him tensly.

"Right..." Kagome mumbled, "Okay. Your sons...."

Toga was a surprisingly good listener, considering both his children seemed to have problems with actual hearing what other people had to say. Perhaps it was because she was telling him about those very children that gained his attention so fully. Kagome tried to gloss over the times they tried to kill her and focus on their good points--which left her descriptions to be lacking.

"You know, Kagome," Toga said after finally learning her name. "I do realize my sons are extremely flawed youkai."

"Yes. Yes, they are. Especially Sesshomaru."

"Mmm. Your perspective may be skewed."

"He tried to kill me."

"Well--"

"--multiple times."

"Point taken."

"Don't get me wrong," Kagome continued, finally overcoming her shyness with the father of her Once True Love. "Inuyasha is completely bull-headed. He just didn't try to kill me as many times."

"As many times?"

"Well, I think only the once... Maybe twice-ish."

"And why did you stop me on the street?" questioned Toga amusedly. "To keep with the family tradition I may have to attempt to murder you as well."

"I would be afraid, except I'm already dead." Kagome informed him. "And I know you can't really hurt people here anyway."

"Oh? How would you know that?"

"I tried to purify Jakotsu last week. He thought I was trying to tickle him."

"...I see."


	4. Enter Sesshomaru

**A/N: **This will probably only be like 5- 10 drabbles, all of which will be complete crack (with some good ol' fashioned lovin'). Sorry, the idea just bashed me in the head and I couldn't resist. By the way, this may come as a surprise, but I DO NOT own Inuyasha. Go figure.

**Tea Party of the Villainous**

Kagome was doing dishes when she glanced out her window and noticed that another cottage had appeared. It was nearly identical to hers, except the flowers that lined the wrought iron fence were much paler than hers. The whole cottage, while extremely cute, was washed out compared to her own vibrant little home.

She decided she was going to be a good neighbor though and baked some cookies, watching the house out the window as she leaned on the counter. Nothing moved inside, but she was sure somebody was there. Why else would the house just pop up overnight?

After stacking the gooey cookies on a flowery plate and covering them in tinfoil, Kagome trotted happily over to the new house.

The pathway was prettily designed in monochromatic tile, picturing a large dog overtaking a bunch of small, humanoid figures. Kagome frowned, sped up, and knocked on the door with a sharp rap. After a few moments and no response Kagome knocked again.

When the door opened it revealed a very tall, very white, very _imposing _demon lord. For all of three seconds Kagome gaped up at Sesshomaru before he slammed the door shut in her face.

"Hey!" Kagome garbled indignantly. "Hey!"

She banged against his door, precariously balancing her cookies, then waited, tapping her foot impatiently.

"Sesshomaru!" Kagome called. "Let me in, Sesshomaru!"

Another few moments passed and the door creaked open once again.

"This must be hell," he said in greeting.

"No, this is Nirvana," she told him succinctly, then pushed passed him into the house. The cottage was formed very much like her own. A small kitchen connected to a dining room. A bedroom and bathroom in back and a quaint living room off to the side.

Kagome went to the kitchen and unveiled her cookies on the counter. "I brought you cookies," she informed him unnecessarily. Sesshomaru glared at her and made to sit at the table, back stiff and arms folded delicately before him. Kagome huffed and grabbed a small plate to serve him a cookie, which he promptly ignored.

"You could at least try it," she pouted.

"Why are you here, miko?" he asked flatly.

"Well, I'm greeting my new neighbor. Just because you were once an enemy doesn't mean I should be rude."

"You forced yourself in my home."

"Out of politeness."

Sesshomaru twitched. "Nevertheless, that is not what I meant by the question."

"Oh... you mean why am I here--in Nirvana?"

"Hell."

"Nirvana."

"Hn."

"Stubborn."

"This Sesshomaru is not stubborn."

"Now you're just blatantly lying." Kagome rolled her eyes and sat across from him, munching on a cookie (which was quite good if she may say so herself). "Anyways, I died."

"It must be a human habit to state the obvious."

"It must be a demon habit to be hard-headed."

They both scowled at each other until Kagome decided to be the better person and attempt amiability. "I got hit by a car. Apparently my soul is clean enough for Nirvana. Why _your _here is what I'm really curious about."

"I have no reason to tell you."

Kagome clenched her fists and counted backwards from ten. A few times. "Well, I just told you--"

"--not really--"

"--so it's your turn to tell me."

"Hn."

Kagome waited patiently.

"This Sesshomaru," he informed her, "is royalty. Nirvana is guaranteed."

"_Good god_, you're worse than I thought." Kagome growled. "So, how did you die?"

Silence permeated the kitchen.

"... food poisoning."

Kagome stared at him aghast. "You--the _great _demon lord, the warrior against Naraku, the Lord of the Western lands--died from _food poisoning?"_

Sesshomaru shifted while glaring at the far wall. "This Sesshomaru was unaware of the side-effects of chocolate."

Immediately Kagome stuffed a fist to her mouth to stifle the giggles. His gaze was hard and unforgiving as he stared at her.

"You find the death of this Sesshomaru humorous?" he questioned her, and Kagome was glad that he couldn't hurt her in Nirvana, because he most assuredly would have if he could at that moment.

"No, no," she gasped, attempting to keep a straight face. "I'm sorry, Sesshomaru. I shouldn't laugh, but I seriously thought I had the most undignified death, but _you--" _Gasp. Laugh. Giggle. "--I think you win."

Kagome looked at his untouched cookie, then slid it away from him. His eyebrows shot up.

"It has chocolate in it," she explained, and his lips shifted into a sneer. "Well, I guess it makes sense," she explained. "You are pretty much a dog. And dog's are allergic...."

Sesshomaru remained stoic and cold. Kagome returned his flat expression with a brilliant grin.

"I know you're not happy, but I'm glad to know someone here that I actually knew in real life."

"Hn."

"And I'm pretty sure you won't try to flirt with me like you dad."

"My father is here?"

"Yeah!" Kagome exclaimed as though it was the best thing ever.

Sesshomaru looked vaguely horrified. "This really is hell."


	5. Enter Naraku

**A/N: **This will probably only be like 5- 10 drabbles, all of which will be complete crack. Sorry, the idea just bashed me in the head and I couldn't resist. By the way, this may come as a surprise, but I DO NOT own Inuyasha. Go figure.

**Tea Party of the Villainous**

Naraku, Kagome learned, was in Nirvana as well. In fact, he lived right down the street from her. She had been strolling past his house as innocent could be when she noticed a man meditating in the front garden. A man with a lustrous black hair and a spider scar on his back. Had Naraku always been that toned, because Kagome---

Anyways, Kagome stopped and stared before finally finding her voice.

"Naraku?"

The man froze, then twisted to gaze back at her with his gleaming, red eyes. Definitely Naraku.

"Miko," he finally said, turning completely and striding over to her. Kagome struggled to keep her eyes on his face instead of his abs, of those pectorals, or, _good god _his biceps were--

She flushed and looked back at his face.

"How the heck did you get in Nirvana?" Kagome asked a little bit rudely, but he was once her worst enemy so she didn't feel she had to be _that _polite.

"Nirvana for _you _maybe," Naraku quipped, crossing his arms and peering down his nose at her.

"I don't get it. Nirvana is Nirvana."

"Tch," huffed Naraku. "What was my goal in life?"

"To be utterly evil, destroy good, take over Japan, and possess Kikyo."

"And are _any _of those things here?"

Hmm. Made sense. Quaint, happy life was Naraku's bane. The gods were diabolical. This was the worst kind of punishment for him. "I see," Kagome said.

"I thought you lived."

"Not for long afterwards, though why are you here now? Didn't you die 500 years ago?"

"Yes, except not all of us get to skip lines like certain obnoxious mikos."

"Ooh," Kagome winced. "Sorry about that. You kind of deserved it thought."

"Tch."

Kagome glanced behind him at his garden. "How do you get your azaleas like that? Mine just won't bloom right."

"Are you using feritlizer?"

"Well..." she murmured, "not really."

"Hm," he replied flatly, "well there you go. You can borrow some of mine."

"Oh, cool!" Kagome clapped excitedly. "Would you like some tea?"

"Nothing better to do. I can't even torture the flowers. They just laugh at me."

Kagome rolled her eyes and lead him to her cottage.


	6. Enter the Matchmaker

**A/N: **This will probably only be like 5- 10 drabbles, all of which will be complete crack. Sorry, the idea just bashed me in the head and I couldn't resist. By the way, this may come as a surprise, but I DO NOT own Inuyasha. Go figure.

**Tea Party of the Villainous**

Toga lounged at the table as Kagome leaned against her counter with a pout. Both cradled steaming mugs of white blossom tea.

"He's just so stubborn," she sighed.

"I quite agree," the older taiyoukai murmured. "He has been so since a child."

Kagome groaned. "He should at least open the door. It's not healthy for him to seclude himself like this."

"Yes," Toga bemoaned. "He won't even see his own beloved father."

Both sighed in accordance, sulking over the stubborn taiyoukai next door who had refused to leave his home for days. Despite their whining they had a stake going. Kagome bet another week max before he opened his home to them. Toga bet a month. Of course, Toga didn't need to know that Kagome was going to up the ante and visit Sesshomaru _multiple _times a day, instead of just once.

If anything, Kagome was persistent when it came to strong-arming someone into being her friend. He would be her buddy whether he liked it or not!

Kagome sighed once more as a knock came at the door. Setting her tea down, Kagome answered it to find Midoriko smiling at her step.

"I brought back your cookie-sheet," she greeted.

"Oh! Thank you," Kagome laughed. "I completely forgot about it. Would you like some tea?"

"Well," hesitated the priestess, "it looks as though you already have some company...."

"Oh, don't be silly," Kagome said as she ushered the woman in. She sat her at the table across from Toga and, preparing tea, completely missed the long look the two shared over the finished wood.

"Oh!" Kagome exclaimed after serving Midoriko her tea, "I forgot to introduce you two. I'm sorry. Midoriko this is Toga, once Lord of the Western Lands. Toga, this is Midoriko--creator of the Shikon Jewel."

Toga grasped one of Midoriko's hands and brought it to his lips. "A pleasure to make your lovely acquaintance," he murmured huskily.

Midoriko blushed profusely. " A pleasure to meet you as well, Toga."

They gazed at each other and Kagome shifted awkwardly. "Well," she finally said, though neither of them looked at her, still too busy gazing deeply into the other's eyes. "I guess I'll just go...work in the garden. Or something. Okay...See ya..."

As soon as Kagome shut the door behind her she heard the screech of chairs being pushed back and the muffled thump of two bodies colliding passionately. Kagome shuddered slightly and went to go bang on Sesshomaru's door. She had a feeling she wouldn't want to enter her own home for a while.


	7. Enter the Peacemaker

**A/N: **This will probably only be like **10-15** (more ideas than expected. Heh) drabbles, all of which will be complete crack. Sorry, the idea just bashed me in the head and I couldn't resist. By the way, this may come as a surprise, but I DO NOT own Inuyasha. Go figure.

**Tea Party of the Villainous**

It was Day Five in her and Toga's bet, and Kagome was starting to get tired of banging at Sesshomaru's door. Giving his door one more sturdy knock, Kagome turned and sat down on his doorstep with a dejected sigh. She should have known that Sesshomaru would be stubborn. At this point she was tempted to go buy some lock picking supplies and just force her way in, but she was pretty sure that she couldn't buy those in Nirvana. And she didn't know how to use them anyway.

It was at that moment in Kagome's musings that Naraku strode by on the cobbled sidewalk. Kagome blinked at him, and, sensing he was being watched, he turned to glance at her.

"Miko," he greeted, "I thought your house was that one." He pointed at her colorful cottage.

"Er," Kagome stuttered, "It is. I'm just trying to get my neighbor to come out. I don't think he likes me."

"How surprising," the evil hanyou commented dryly, at which Kagome rolled her eyes.

"Unnecessary comments are unappreciated. If you have something useful to say, then I'll listen," Kagome sniffed.

Naraku raised a delicate, dark eyebrow at her. "Well, miko, perhaps I do have some ideas."

Kagome perked hopefully. "Do you have some lock-picking tools?"

Naraku grimaced. "Of course not. How _plebian_."

Kagome deflated with disappointment.

"But," Naraku continued, "I have something _much_ better."

Kagome grinned and stood up to stride over to him. Clasping her hands she looked up at him. "You really do? You're not just trying to get my hopes up to satisfy your evil urges?"

"Tch," replied Naraku disdainfully. "You barely satisfied my evil urges in like, miko. If anything you made them worse." He shook his head with a curled lip. "You are just too _good."_

"Oh," said Kagome. "Okay. Anyways, what do you have that's better than a lock pick?"

Immediately Kagome felt something tap her shoulder. She turned to look, only to come face to face with one of his tentacles. "Uh...."

"They are quite useful," he informed her.

Kagome looked down at his feet to see the tentacle emerging from his hakama. She wondered, vaguely horrified, where the tentacle was attached. Then she decided it was better for her mental stability to not even pursue that thought.

"Alright," Kagome exclaimed, clapping her hands decisively. "Let's get to it!"

Kagome made to walk back up to the front door when Naraku grabbed her hand. She stared down at their interlocking fingers in shock for about two-point-five seconds before looking up into his crimson eyes curiously.

"We will go around side," he whispered cunningly, "through a window."

Kagome nodded mindlessly and Naraku tugged her around the side of the cottage. The first window they came to lead to the living room, which was empty. With a silent nod and a malicious smirk, Naraku released her hand, brought his tentacle up--

--and smashed it through the window.

"Hey!" Kagome exclaimed, "I thought you were going to lock pick--"

"--I said no such thing--"

"--not just smash through the window like crazy person! I could have done that!"

Naraku shrugged his well-formed shoulders. "It worked, did it not?"

Kagome huffed. "Whatever. Lift me up so I can get in."

"As you wish, _petite miko_."

"No pet names."

"Of course, _poppet_."

She ignored him as he wrapped his tentacle around her waist. Kagome tried to be disturbed, but the appendage wasn't as slimy and gross as it looked, which she found mildly intriguing. He quickly deposited her in the room, then followed close behind.

"Hm," Naraku sniffed, "this place smells like--"

A vicious snarl interrupted him as Sesshomaru appeared from the kitchen.

"Hi, Sesshomaru!" Kagome greeted awkwardly, like they hadn't just broken into his home. The taiyoukai ignored her though, his eyes focusing on Naraku. Naraku's own expression was comically stunned, though it quickly morphed into a calculating facade.

"Well," Kagome intoned uncomfortably, "I think you two have already met--"

Sesshomaru's whip lashed out across Naraku, who just snorted a bit. Sesshomaru's snarl deepened. "What is that filthy hanyou doing here?" he growled furiously.

"Um," Kagome muttered, "I think they were afraid his soul might take over the world again, so they just sent him here." She left Naraku's side and went to stand by Sesshomaru, wringing her hands worriedly. "How about some tea? Sesshomaru? I really think tea would be good right now."

After a few seconds his breathing slowed and his red-eyed disposition faded to its usual apathetic countenance. "Fine," he said flatly.

Kagome herded them into the kitchen, thought they glared at each other whenever they came into a two foot radius of the other.

"Nice to see you again, puppy," baited Naraku menacingly.

"Silence, filth," Sesshomaru replied.

Kagome groaned.


	8. Enter the Aggravators

**A/N: **Okay, things might be getting a tad OOC. This crack fic is getting slightly out of control. Oh well, I'm still having fun with it. Ha ha! By the way, this may come as a surprise, but I DO NOT own Inuyasha. Go figure.

**Tea Party of the Villainous**

Tea was an awkward affair with much growling and snapping and insults. Kagome was glad to find that Sesshomaru did keep tea stocked, even if it was bitter black tea. She prepared it as her evil youkai sat at the table, stiff as icicles and glaring at opposite walls.

"So the great dog is not as strong as he thought, hm?" Naraku commented lightly.

"Considering I slaughtered you, that's a pointless comment."

"Actually," the hanyou bated, "I think the miko over there killed me. Not you."

Sesshomaru growled, but Kagome decided to interfere that moment with their tea. "Plain for both of you, right?"

"Tch."

"Hn."

She took that as two yeses and gave them their tea. Settling down at the table with them, Kagome sipped from her own milky-tea-sugur concoction and tried not to let the intense silence weigh her down. These two really knew how to quell any amiability possible....

"Sesshomaru," Kagome murmured, more to interrupt the quiet than anything else. "Your father has been upset that you won't talk to him. I think he misses you."

"I have nothing to say to him."

Kagome frowned. "Nothing to say to your dad? How is that possible?"

Sesshomaru's eyes narrowed and focused on her. "Why would a lowly miko like you being speaking to my father?"

"Uh...well. I really like having tea with him."

Sesshomaru had the audacity to look mildly offended. "You will cease at once," he ordered.

Kagome almost her spat her tea. "Cease having tea with your dad? I don't think so."

A snicker from her right told her that Naraku was finding the conversation amusing. Both taiyoukai and miko turned to raise expectant eyebrows at him.

"You can't even control a mere miko, puppy," Naraku explained smugly.

"Silence, half-breed," Sesshomaru demanded, to which Naraku chuckled menacingly.

"Naraku, behave!" snapped Kagome, to which the smirk slid off his face, then she turned to Sesshomaru. "And _you," _she said tightly, pointing a finger at him, "will visit your father. You two may have been able to get away with your evil, superior shenanigans in life, but you have another thing coming if you think that's okay in death. As your neighbor, I won't allow it."

Silence reigned in the kitchen as both males stared at her blankly. Finally they responded.

"Hn."

"Tch."

Kagome sipped her tea contentedly.

"Oh, and Sesshomaru?" she continued peacefully. "You should probably know something."

"Regal me," the inu youkai replied dryly.

"You're dad is dating Midoriko."

Even after snapping at him, Kagome couldn't get Naraku to stop laughing. It took Sesshomaru about thirty seconds to recover before he grabbed both of them by the nape of their shirts and tossed them out his front door, slamming it locked behind him.

Kagome scowled. "Dammit! Now I'm going to have to get back in there again!"

Naraku smirked wickedly. "I am more than willing to help, miko."

She looked at him hesitantly. "I'm not sure about your kind of help, Naraku."

"Really, miko, you wound me," Naraku murmured, feigning a hurt expression. "I'm sure we can come up with something. Dogs are social creatures, you know."

"Hm," Kagome hummed. "You're right." Slapping her fist and palm together determinedly, Kagome grinned. "We'll come up with something."

"Plotting is my specialty, poppet," Naraku intoned suavely.

While Kagome should have felt some misgivings at allying herself with her former ally, she was really too determined to stop. If she could make _Naraku _her friend, then she could definitely make Sesshomaru her friend, dammit!

"Oh, and stop calling me poppet."

"Of course, koi."

"....."


	9. Enter the Plotters

**A/N: **Okay, things might be getting a tad OOC. This crack fic is getting slightly out of control. Oh well, I'm still having fun with it. Ha ha! By the way, this may come as a surprise, but I DO NOT own Inuyasha. Go figure.

**Tea Party of the Villainous**

Naraku tossed another thing into the basket, a doggy chew toy, to be exact. They had been in the super market for about thirty minutes and Kagome was getting more and more hesitant by the second. Their shopping cart was filled with milk bones, pig ears, rawhide, and a tug toy.

"Naraku..." Kagome trailed, "I think we might be underestimating Sesshomaru's intelligence."

Naraku smirked at her, his ruby eyes narrowing cleverly. "Now, my dear, remember how many traps I caught you in. I am a master plotter."

"Yeah, but-" Kagome winced as she picked up the box of milk bones pointedly. "Really, Naraku? Really?"

"You will see the intricacies of my plan soon, impatient one."

Kagome shot him a skeptical glance but decided to go along with it. He had always been devious in life, and honestly he was probably thriving off of any mischief he could get into at this point. His flowers were looking much too nice.

Of course, Kagome had also killed him, so maybe his plotting skills weren't really all that great. She shrugged. Oh well.

After getting all their supplies in the grocery Naraku walked her down the street to a small shop with blacked out windows and a sign written in cursive. Kagome found this to me extremely worrisome.

"The Naughty--_Oh my god_, Naraku! Why are we here?"

Naraku quirked a manicured eyebrow and smiled slyly. "Now, poppet, this all part of my _plan, _remember? You must trust me."

"I'm really not so sure about this."

"Trust me. This will work."

"Okay..." Kagome replied hesitantly, following the hanyou into _The Naughty Nirvana Shop_. Now, Kagome, despite her age, had never been into a sex store. She was also, unfortunately, a virgin. So, when the first thing they came upon was a shelf of candy-cane dildo's and peppermint flavored condoms, Kagome was absolutely mortified.

"Oh my god, oh my god," she muttered, hands covering her cherry bright cheeks.

"So innocent," leered Naraku, until Kagome glared at him. With a shrug he lead her past the display and to the lingerie section.

"Now," Naraku instructed while shifting through the silky garments, "we must find one that would appeal to the Great Dog's taste."

"I really don't know about this...."

"Nonsense, I guarantee it will work."

"I don't think he likes humans."

Naraku waved her comment away. "He likes women--I think. That should be enough."

Kagome groaned and Naraku's eyes brightened as he withdrew a lacy scrap of cloth that would possibly work as a bandana. Maybe a glove.

It _certainly _would _not _cover her body.

"Try this on," Naraku ordered.

"Ummm. No."

"Now, miko. Don't you want to make _friends?"_

Kagome stared at Naraku askance. "I'm not sure the way you're talking about--"

"Just try it on," he snapped, shoving it into her arms and pushing her behind a black curtain. Kagome clutched the silky-red cloth to her chest and turned to look at the mirror mounted on the wall. From below the curtain she could see Naraku's boots tapping impatiently. Quickly Kagome undressed and slipped the lingerie on. Once donned, Kagome stared at herself in the mirror with horror.

"Naraku..." she called weakly, "I _really _don't think--"

He interrupted her as he peeked around the corner to study her. His eyes darkened approvingly as he took in her barely clothed body.

Another muffled voice from outside spoke to Naraku and Naraku answered.

"Uh, who were you talking to?"

"One of your friends, I believe," he responded, handing her another set of lingerie that was white with little pink flower pedals decorating it. "They're helping me with the mutt's tastes."

Kagome glared at him. "_Who_?"

Midoriko's head popped up behind Naraku. "Hello, dear! We heard you were trying to seduce Sesshomaru."

Kagome squeaked and attempted to cover her barely clad body. "Oh my god," she moaned in horror as Toga appeared too.

"Hmm," he said intellectually. "I think that one is too red. It would remind him of Inuyasha. The white one would be better."

"Get out! Get out!" screeched Kagome, mortified."Sorry, dear," Midoriko apologized as her and Toga disappeared, leaving a smirking Naraku to remain.

Kagome stared at him blankly, too stunned to know what to say.

"I really hate you," she finally gritted out, voice strangled sounding.

"I am not surprised, poppet." He stroked a hand up her back that made her shiver. "Now try on the white one to make sure it fits. Then we can begin the next step of out plot."

"God, kill me."

"Sorry, miko. I think he already did that."


	10. Enter the Teasers

**N: **Now things are getting kinky. Hm, I TOTALLY did not expect this. Oh, well. I'll go along with it, though I'm not sure this should be posted on Dokuga with the added Naraku... Hmmm. Any opinions? By the way, this may come as a surprise, but I DO NOT own Inuyasha. Go figure. (P.S. Someone mentioned there should be art for this fic. I can't draw for the life of me, but if someone did draw something, I would go berserk with happiness.)

**Tea Party of the Villainous**

"I _really _don't think this is a good idea."

Naraku smirked down at the miko, who was wrapped in a trench coat and carrying a basket of dog treats. Beneath the jacket, she was wearing her brand-spanking-new lingerie.

"Now, poppet," he whispered in her ear, raising goose bumps on her smooth skin. "If you want the dog to be friendly, you must offer him a treat."

"Can't I just bake him some lemon bars or something?"

Naraku curled a lip. "Lemon bars?"

"Never mind."

"No hesitation, _ma petite_." He gently pushed her up the walkway and she made a note in her mind to ask him later where he had learned french. "Go."

Kagome frowned back at the devilish half-demon, but resigned herself to her fate. She trudged up the door and knocked morosely. Vaguely, she hoped the taiyoukai wouldn't answer, like he hadn't the whole previous week, but she had a feeling curiosity would overcome him.

The door swung open.

Kagome gazed up at the towering demon lord hesitantly.

"Hey Sesshomaru," she said nervously. "I, uh, have something I want to show you."

Kagome glanced back desperately at the sly hanyou, only to find he had disappeared. She turned to look back at Sesshomaru, who frowning at her goody basket. She thrust it at him.

"Here!"

"Miko-"

"And I have something else." The basket out of her hands now, Kagome made quick work of her coat tie, and with flare that surprised her, she whipped it open like a flasher. Naraku, Toga, and Midoriko had instructed her on how to act sexy, which Kagome had promptly forgot. However her embarrassed strip tease must have worked because Sesshomaru's eyes widened, and were focused on her perky assets.

"One more thing," she muttered to herself, gathering her courage with a deep breath. Clumsily she reached for the back of his head and dragged him down to her level, where she promptly kissed him. With a nibble and a lick of his lower lip she tore herself away with difficulty, trying to ignore the heat that lingered between her thighs.

"Come over for tea tomorrow?" she asked, and before he could respond she wrapped her coat around herself and scurried away.

Once in her own home, Kagome let out a deep sigh of relief and leaned against her door. Looking up she found where Naraku had disappeared to.

"You ditched me!" Kagome accused, though with no real heat.

"I highly doubt he would have responded well with me lingering," responded Naraku as he advanced upon her.

Kagome crossed her arms, pouting slightly but not really able to come up with an argument against it. Naraku was only a hairsbreadth away and bending over slightly.

"Now, miko," he whispered. "I think it's my turn." He dipped his head and caught her lips, demanding, insistent, rough. The heat that had formed after Sesshomaru's kiss returned, but before she could respond Naraku pulled away. He licked his lips, and his ruby eyes gleamed at her.

"I think," he murmured seductively, "that next time I will dress you in _my _colors."


	11. Enter the Seducer

**A/N: **Yeah, so I'm pretty sure I'm going to be attempting a three-way lemon in a few chappies. Considering I have never been in a threesome (though I would be SO open to it if it was two men as sexy as Naraku and Sess) it will definitely be a challenge. By the way, this may come as a surprise, but I DO NOT own Inuyasha. Go figure.

**Tea Party of the Villainous**

Sesshomaru did come for tea the next day, surprisingly. Kagome was going to have to give Toga a ring to collect on her bet.

At promptly noon, right after Kagome pulled a steaming cherry pie out of the oven, a knock came to her front door. With a hopeful puff, Kagome answered to find Sesshomaru gazing down at her silently, if not a tad wary. Kagome flushed but grinned.

"Sesshomaru," she greeted joyfully, "You came!"

"Indeed," he replied, stepping in and sniffing the air unobtrusively.

"I made pie," Kagome explained. "Nothing chocolate."

Sesshomaru shot her a dry glance and went to settle himself at her table as she went to slice him a piece.

"Did you talk to your dad?" Kagome asked as she bustled around the kitchen.

"Yes."

The miko shot Sesshomaru a surprised glance at his straight-forward answer. She expected a negative, or even his usual 'hn.'

"Good." Kagome affirmed. "I'm glad."

Sliding the pie in front of him she turned to get the tea. She could feel his eyes on her as she moved, burning into the back of her neck. And quite possibly her ass, but she didn't want to turn to check. She had a feeling even if she did he would manage to look away in time.

Grabbing the mugs of mint tea, Kagome turned to see that the plate in front of the taiyoukai was empty.

"Wow," Kagome murmured. "Do you want another piece?"

"No."

"Okay...."

After handing Sesshomaru his tea Kagome settled next to him, both of them sipping at their mugs in amiable silence. It was Sesshomaru who broke the quiet.

"You are clothed today."

Kagome glanced down at her rumpled, flour-sprinkled jeans and blushed. "Yeah... It was a little cooler today...."

"Pity."

Kagome did a double take. Sesshomaru wasn't even looking at her, gazing across the room at the cabinets, face impassive. As though sensing her stare, his eyes slid to meet hers and they burned into her, melting her insides.

Kagome took a breath for courage. "Well," she stuttered flirtatiously. "It's not fair when I'm the only unclothed one."

"Hm." His response was lacking, but his quirked eyebrow was an invitation if she ever saw one. "The color was... fitting."

Kagome had to refrain from giggling like a little a bubbly school girl. Excitement welled up in her abdomen like a coiled snake. She took a sip from her tea to compose herself and to think of a suitable reply. Looking pointedly at his haori and hakama, which covered him all too well in her opinion, Kagome smiled. "I think I would prefer your clothes on the floor."

Their flirtatious conversation continued throughout the hour, and when it came time for Sesshomaru to leave Kagome walked him to the door.

"I'm glad you came to tea," she intoned a tad timidly. "You should come again tomorrow."

"Perhaps."

Kagome's smile wavered a bit, but didn't disappear. She was opening the door when he grabbed her and spun her around to face him.

"This Sesshomaru," he whispered, his breath brushing against her lips, "was unable to return your boon yesterday." And with that he kissed her. His tongue swept into her mouth, his fangs nibbled her lips, and his hands slipped to cradle the cheeks of her rump. She squeaked as one of his hands gave a good, hard squeeze.

When he released her, Kagome was dazed and unfocused, blinking at him. "Wow," she breathed.

"Quite," he replied, then slipped outside and shut the door behind him.

Kagome scowled as she collected herself. She was really getting tired of these Kiss-and-Runs. They better make a move, or she was damn well going to.


	12. Enter the Pact

**A/N: **Okay, so I wracked myself over the coals for craving SessxKagxNar. I was extremely indecisive, because many reviews seemed anti-threesome. Then I remember I write for myself, and I'm sorry if I lose readers, but I can't help myself. I really want to write a threesome. I love Naraku and Sesshomaru with Kagome, as unfeasible as that is. I put a warning in the summary, and I DID say this was severe CRACK, so sorry guys, but I'm going to go ahead with it. By the way, this may come as a surprise, but I DO NOT own Inuyasha. Go figure.

**Tea Party of the Villainous**

A few days later Naraku and Sesshomaru happened on a chance meeting in front of Kagome's cottage. Both were going to visit her for tea--perhaps stealing a few kisses if possible. Of course, then they saw each other.

"So," Naraku taunted, "the dog lord finally leaves his den."

"Leave or face the consequences, half-breed."

Naraku smirked and a few tentacles peeked out from under his hakama. Sesshomaru's brow furrowed slightly. "Filth."

"You will have to learn to share, puppy, because I highly doubt she will wish to _choose_."

Sesshomaru stiffened, and the aggression drained from his body. Despite his hatred for the despicable hanyou, the words Naraku spoke rung of truth. The miko couldn't bear to hurt anyone if at all possible. She would furiously defend the people she cared about, and somehow both him and Naraku had managed to worm their way into her friendship.

"Hn."

"Perhaps," Naraku intoned smoothly, "we can come to an agreement."

Sesshomaru narrowed his eyes, but twitched a hand to continue.

"I would not mind... _sharing_. If the miko is unopposed to it."

Sesshomaru thought it over. The miko was untouched, he was nearly positive. While he couldn't smell such a thing as minute as a hymen, he could study how she reacted to his touch. She blushed and stuttered and mimicked a mouse, though curiosity was blatantly obvious in her eyes. While he was possessive in nature, he was willing to share if the miko's happiness was on the line. Vaguely, he realized he had softened somewhat since death, but he attributed it to the inability to maim or kill anything in Nirvana. It really was a pity. He would gladly render limbs from many of Nirvana's inhabitants.

"This Sesshomaru agrees."

"Should we shake on this?"

"No."

Naraku shrugged, though a sly smile still curled his lips. They both made to enter the house, intent on becoming a certain miko's favorite. They may have made a pact, but that would not stop either of them from attempting to gain her favor.

Already devious plots ran through their minds.


	13. Enter Jakotsu

**A/N: **So, first order of business: I'm not happy with this chapter AT ALL. We'll leave it at that. Second order of business: I have no idea what the show called "Dead Like Me" is. The only T.V. shows I ever watch are South Park, Law & Order SVU, and occasionally Tosh.0. I also have never read the Anita Blake series. I don't even know what her books are called. I just took French back in the day and remember a few words that are just lovely for sexy nicknames. So, any similarities are coincidences and completely unintentional. Perhaps I should get caught up with popular entertainment so I don't make any more of these mistakes. =) (I don't own Inuyasha.)

**Tea Party of the Villainous**

It was Naraku who tapped lightly on the door as both of them waited patiently, if not tensely, for her to answer. When the door finally swung open, Kagome gaped at them with eye-popping surprise.

"Oh!" she exclaimed, "Wow. I sure feel popular today!"

Sesshomaru raised a curious eyebrow, and Kagome stepped back to let them in. At the table, another man already lounged. Sesshomaru resisted a growl, because _dammit _there was no way he would share the miko _that _much.

Naraku also made a noise of discontent, and his usual sly smile slid off his face to reveal a minute scowl.

"Jakotsu," he greeted.

"Za! Naraku!" cried Jakotsu exuberantly. "It has been so long."

"Not long enough," the hanyou murmured beneath his breath. Kagome smiled blithely, unaware of the dissention among all her male visitors.

"Well, since you already know each other, Naraku...." Kagome murmured as Naraku crossed his arms and raised a delicate eyebrow. "Seshomaru, this is Jakotsu. Jakotsu, Sesshomaru."

Jakotsu licked his lips as he stared at the taiyoukai. "Mmm. He looks as yummy as your first puppy friend."

Kagome beamed obliviously. "He's Inuyasha's half-brother!"

Suddenly recognition bloomed. Sesshomaru's jaw tightened and Jakotsu gasped. "I remember you! You tried to kill me!"

Sesshomaru refused to respond, because _of course _he tried to kill him. The flamboyant man had attacked his pack.

"Oh," Kagome said curiously, "you guys met already?"

"He tried to kill me," Jakotsu repeated.

"That's okay," Kagome soothed, "I think everyone here has tried to kill each other at some point." She nodded confidently. "In fact, I even killed Naraku."

"Pft!" laughed Jakotsu, trying to muffle the sound.

Naraku frowned. "Why are you here?"

"Here?" Jakotsu asked, tapping a manicured finger against his chin. "Well Kagome needed help with some guy advi--"

"_Jakotsu_!" Kagome hissed, cutting him off.

"--uh, baking advice," he finished.

Both taiyoukai and hanyou eyes narrowed suspiciously, but neither commented.

"As interesting as that may be," murmured Naraku suavely, "I meant here. In _Nirvana."_

"Oh." Jakotsu shrugged. "I have no idea."

Kagome ushered the rest of her guests to sit down as they continued the conversation. "You don't know?" she questioned.

"Nope, I just woke up on the grass one day."

Kagome's eyes widened." You didn't go through the line or anything?"

"What line?"

"Hm," said Sesshomaru contemplatively.

"Well, then," Kagome asked, "where do you live?"

"Here and there. Wherever I feel like sleeping."

"Oh!" Kagome cried horroified. "Well why--"

"No."

Kagome turned to look at Sesshomaru. "'_No_' what?"

"No, miko. He will not live with you."

Kagome's brow scrunched. "Now wait a minute--"

"Oh, puppy," cooed Jakotsu, "does that mean I can live with _you?"_

Sesshomaru shot the man an icy glare. "No. You may live with the half-breed."

Naraku, who had been silent up to that point, regretting ever reviving the Band of Seven, choked. "I do not think so, dog. I live alone."

"Hn."

"Guys--" started Kagome.

"Hey," Jakotsu interrupted them all. "You know, maybe I _like _sleeping outside."

Kagome floundered. "Well, if you're sure...."

Jakostu leered. "I also have many... _friends _who let me stay over as well."

"Oh!" Kagome sighed with relief. "I'm glad you have such good friends, Jakotsu!"

Sesshomaru and Naraku stared at the joyful miko flatly. Subtle seduction would definitely _not _work on the oblivious woman.


	14. Enter the Changes

**A/N:** And the threesome begins! This will be written in snippets because I didn't want a giant, long-ass chapter when all the others were super short. By the way, this may come as a surprise, but I DO NOT own Inuyasha. Go figure.

**Tea Party of the Villainous**

Kagome decided to be adventurous and invited both Naraku and Sesshomaru over for sake. She knew they didn't get along well, but she had noticed that they were at least attempting civility with each other which really raised her hope for them. Perhaps deep down they weren't really murderous or evil.

Of course, then Kagome thought about how many times each of them had tried to kill her and decided to alter her ideals. No, they were still murderous and evil, but at least they were physically incapable of hurting innocents. Otherwise she would have to kill them, and Kagome really didn't want to kill her new (sexy) friends.

Of course, she was a little leery having the two males over. There had been some odd changes in her house. Residing in Nirvana, Kagome had become accustomed to her house changing to her needs. The oven had gotten a little bigger, more chairs appeared at the kitchen table, things completely innocent.

The first thing she noticed was that her couch had stretched. This seemed normal enough considering she had been having more houseguests lately. The innocence was completely leeched away when she also noticed that not only had her couch stretched, but her normal _one _person bath had practically turned into a Jacuzzi.

And the _worst _alteration was that her bed had changed, widening to accompany _multiple people. _Kagome decided not to inform anyone of these changes. Usually she would tell her friends excitedly about her house listening to her needs, but these changes were just a little too personal, and extremely worrying.

Yet even with guests--Sesshomaru and Naraku--Kagome couldn't put those thoughts out of her head. Or perhaps it was _because _of her guests that she couldn't put those thoughts from her head. After all, both men lounged on opposite ends of the couch with lingering looks on her, and haori that allowed her to peek at their well-defined chests.

Kagome was positive she was not this sexually frustrated in life.

She sat herself in between them and didn't say anything when they both subtly moved to touch her in some way. Sesshomaru's thigh rested along hers and Naraku kept trailing smooth fingers along her shoulder and neck. It was utterly and undeniably distracting.

"Do you guys like the sake?" Kagome asked nervously.

"Hm," replied Sesshomaru.

"It is lovely, poppet," murmured Naraku, his breath brushing against her ear.

"Well, that's good," stuttered the miko, sipping out of her own glass while attempting to calm her percussion heart. Another hand began to trace her waist, and looking down Kagome saw the maroon marks that revealed it to be Sesshomaru's hand.

Interestingly enough, Kagome's breath began to come faster and her cheeks flushed. The sake had worked to relax her wondrously, so their attentions--which would usually be met by apprehension--were met by a tinge of nervousness and anticipation. Kagome rubbed her legs together subtly, hoping to relieve some of the warm heat that had pooled into the secret juncture between her thighs.

Kagome gasped sharply as Naraku nuzzled her neck, teeth and tongue teasing and soothing her smooth skin. Sesshomaru reached for her hand and pulled one of her fingers into her mouth. As they began an amorous worship of her body Kagome couldn't help but think.

What had she gotten herself into?


	15. Enter the Discomfort

**A/N: **Off to basic tomorrow, so this is the last one in a long while. Enjoy! By the way, this may come as a surprise, but I DO NOT own Inuyasha. Go figure.

**Tea Party of the Villainous**

Toga hummed happily as he strode up to Kagome's doorstep. He was returning a cookie sheet for Midoriko. The women were always exchanging little pastries, cakes, and other assortmants of baked goods. Midoriko had been a bit busy though, so, ever the gentleman he was, Toga had offered to stop by the young miko's cottage. Midoriko had give him _that _smile and Toga just _knew _that he was going to get lucky later that night.

The once Inu No Taisho smiled and sighed contentedly before knocking at the door.

It swung open to reveal a half naked Naraku.

"Uh...." said Toga.

"Welcome," greeted Naraku slyly.

The echo of dishes wafted from the kitchen, followed by a feminine giggle, then the murmur of a deeper, masculine voice. Toga's eyebrows shot up.

"Naraku?" Kagome asked, "who is it?"

At that moment Kagome walked into view wearing a t-shirt. Just a t-shirt. She was followed by a skimpily clad Sesshomaru, wearing only a low-hanging pair of hakama. Both of them paled as they saw Toga staring at them askance from the doorway.

"Oh..." stuttered Kagome. "T-Toga... how are you?"

"Mm. Just fine, Kagome. You... look like you're doing well." Toga glanced at the stoic Sesshomaru. "And you got my son out of his home. Interesting."

"Ahahaha," Kagome laughed nervously.

"Father," greeted Sesshomaru.

"Son," replied Toga.

Naraku smirked happily, as though he was feeding off of the discomfort, which he probably was.

"Well," said Toga, "I came to bring this back." He proffered the cookie tray. One of Naraku's tentacles retrieved it from his outstretched hand and Toga desperately tried to retain his blank facade.

"Would you like some tea?" Kagome enquired politely.

"No, I really must be going."

"Another time then," she assured.

Toga quickly about-faced and strode down the walkway, picking up speed when he heard the door click shut. He definitely did _not _want to know what was going on in that house. Really, how did he never realize how truly _unique_ Sesshomaru was?

Toga groaned and hoped none of the day's memories would interrupt his time with Midoriko. He wasn't quite sure he could recover.


End file.
